


You And Me Could Write A Bad Romance

by revenblue



Series: [collection] but you keep spinning 'round me just the same (Perryshmirtz) [93]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Affection, Frottage, Hate Sex, Interspecies Sex, M/M, POV Second Person, Resolved Sexual Tension, Simultaneous Orgasm, Thwart Sex, fluffy hatesex because that's how these two idiots roll
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:21:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22669960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue
Summary: You're almost used to getting pinned to the floor, now.
Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus
Series: [collection] but you keep spinning 'round me just the same (Perryshmirtz) [93]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/746841
Comments: 4
Kudos: 60





	You And Me Could Write A Bad Romance

You're almost used to getting pinned to the floor, now. For such a light guy, he's great at making sure you can't get up, his breath rasping in your ear as he twists your arm up behind your back. Not quite enough to be painful, he knows just when to stop, which is nice of him.

"Is that your foot, or are you just happy to see me?" you joke, twisting under him. He's not going to let you up but you know as well as he does that it's more _fun_ if you _struggle_. Like _he_ does in your _traps_.

The only _downside_ is the pressure on your _cock_ while you squirm. You haven't told him, mostly because you can't see that conversation going down well. _Hey Perry the Platypus I get off on being thwarted_ , sounds like a _great_ way to ruin your nemesisship forever, and you've grown quite fond of him thwarting you. Mostly because he _shows up_ , which is more than pretty much anyone else.

He growls, leaning closer, and that's not- that's not a foot. That's not his _foot_ , and you would _know_ , he's kicked you enough times, but if it's _not_ , then what-

Unless he _is_ happy to see you. Which is. Well. "You _are_ , huh? I, uh, I'm looking at our _thwartings_ in a whole new light, I just want you to know that, because this is _not_ what I expected when you asked me to _spar_ with you."

The weight on your shoulders lifts and you glance back to find him looking everywhere _but_ at you, tail curled around to hide what you're _certain_ is his dick. Not that you've ever _seen_ it, despite sneaking glances when you're sure he's not looking because you've always _wondered_ , but it has to be, right? Why else would he be so _embarrassed_?

"I didn't mean _stop_ , sheesh!" You sit up to face him, arm resting on your knee, not even bothering to hide your own boner this time. It's not like he has room to _judge_ , he's into it too. You can tell, he keeps _looking_ , so you spread your legs and give him something to look _at_ , sliding your hand up over the thick fabric covering your length with a groan. "Like what you _see_ , Perry the Platypus?" you tease, already breathless at the thought. He's into it. He, _Perry the Platypus_ , is into _this_. You. He's into- "Come over here and _thwart_ me."

He slams into your chest and you fall back, his shivering, panting, growling form on top of you. Just like your late-night fantasies except _real_. Pushing himself up on his _adorable_ arms, he _smirks_ , just before _something_ wide and flat cups your balls. His tail, probably.

Knowing doesn't stop you arching into him, clutching at his fur for something to hold onto. "Enthusiastic, aren't you?" The words don't come out as steady as you'd hoped, but you can work with this. Especially if you figure out what he's _thinking_. Ask the right questions. "Are you _always_ like this or is it a special occasion?" Probably not _that_. "I know you have your whole _enigmatic_ thing going on but this is _nice_ , like you think I'm-" 

Tiny _hands_ curl around your wrists and force them to the ground, matching the increasing pressure of what you have to assume is his tail, and you shut up. That's what he wants, right? He growls, face pressed firmly to your neck, his rapid breaths hot on your skin.

"Whoa, easy there, you don't need to _break_ me," you say anyway, cock throbbing from the thought. Sure, you'd rather _not_ lose your arms again, but you're not going to say _no_. That's why you have spares.

You've thought about it a little, so what? That's not a _crime_. Not _Evil_. You checked, just in case someone decided it was thwartable. Which it's not.

Okay, maybe _a little_ is an understatement. And maybe you wanted him to show up.

The point is. "You've never done this before, have you?" All he's doing is humping you, which, is that the best he has? You would have thought his _agency_ would _train_ their agents in this. "Because _I_ have- not with another _guy_ , but it can't be _that_ hard to figure out- Just let go already, I want to _show_ you-" When he _does_ , you curl your hand under his tail, seeking his cock. "-how to do it _properly_ , because let's be honest, you're not doing so great at that right now." _There_ it is. Nice and slick in your palm. "You're _cute_ down there. I mean, I _think_ you are, I've never _seen_ it but you're so small and- Spiky? Why do you have _spikes_ , Perry the Platypus?"

He thumps you for that one.

"Yeah, I deserved that." He really is _cute_ though, you decide as you keep going. Small, but cute. Especially with the noises he makes as you stroke him, down to the base and up to- "Two? I bet all the ladies _love_ that."

You feel his shrug more than see it, what with him crushing your chest, somehow heavier than he'd seemed when he was _trying_ to pin you down. Whatever he's trying to say, you don't get it. A shrug like that could mean _anything_. Squeezing at the wrist he's still holding, he slides his hand up, over your skin and into your palm.

Closing your fingers around it by instinct, you swallow down a protest. "You're not _into_ ladies? Just men? I mean, that's great for _me_ , but really, you couldn't have picked _anyone_ else? Someone _attractive_ , for one thing. I know I'm not... _you_ know, you've heard me _backstory_ about it already, I don't think we need to go through it all over again. But... Me? Really?" It's a _little_ hard to believe. More than a little. A lot, actually.

It's not until he lifts his head and pecks at your chin, rolling his eyes at you, that you get it.

"Oh," you say slowly, curling your first two fingers around his shaft. There's only _room_ for two. "You... you're not into men either? Just _me_? Is _that_ it? Because I still have to question your _taste_ -"

He growls, bucking roughly into your fingers, and you take that as your cue to shut up.

Well, you _try_ , but nothing can hold back your monologuing for long. "Would you mind if I got _mine_ out? To _join the party_ , I mean, my _pants_ are getting rather _tight_ , I don't know if you know what that's like, you don't _wear_ pants - is that a platypus thing? or just a _you_ thing? - but it's _not_ fun, believe me." You take your hand from his cock without waiting for an answer and fumble at your fly, biting your lip.

Another growl escapes his throat and he shifts, knuckles brushing against the inside of your arm, reaching between you for his platycock. It has to be, right? That's what he's going for?

So when his fingers close around _your_ cock, newly freed from its fabric prison, you yelp in surprise.

"Sheesh, _warn_ a guy next time," you groan as his palm rubs over your shaft, thumb dipping into the hole every time he brings his paw up. "Don't get me wrong, I _like_ it when you do-" Thrusting up into his firm grip, you arch back with a gasp, which you think makes your point for you. "-that, yes, keep doing _that_ -" Which he _does_ , settling into a good rhythm. "-it's just... _unexpected_. And by that I really do mean unexpected. Like your cute little-" You take his cock in hand again and _squeeze_.

He keens, face pressed into your chest, still but for the way he shudders against you. Handsome, that's what he is, with that mussed-up fur look, all sweat-slicked from your _sparring_ and your _this_. He's _totally_ pulling it off.

What do _you_ have? Just the knowledge that he, inexplicably, wants this. Which is more than you ever expected, if you're honest, so you're not complaining.

Okay, maybe _some_ complaining. Force of habit. "You've picked a _terrible_ angle, Perry the Platypus, how did you expect to get anywhere with _this_? Come on, let go of my hand, it's _nice_ but I need to _move_ here-" He does, and you try not to mourn the loss. Priorities. You have them. "-now hold on while I-" Releasing his cock, you wrap that arm around his shoulders, steadying him while you push yourself up with the other. "- _that's_ it, yes, you're doing it, you're so _good_ , you know that?"

Arms wrapped around your neck, he nods into your shoulder, with a soft growl of acknowledgement. Of course he does, he's _Perry the Platypus_ , the best nemesis you could ever have. Then he pulls himself up, sliding his cock along the side of yours as he does.

"Two can play at this game," you mumble in his ear as you curl around him, reaching between your bodies to take _both_ cocks in hand. "Let's see how you like _this_."

A lot, as it turns out.

He ruts against you, panting, muscles rippling under your palm, and it's somehow _more_ attractive than you'd imagined, the few times you'd let yourself think about it. Okay, more than a few. He'd shown up in your late night fantasies a lot, actually, when you'd wondered if he'd _fuck_ like he _fought_. Still not a crime. As it turns out, the answer to that is _no_. Even with his _spikes_ sharp on your cock, each point pulling at the sensitive skin, this hurts less than his fist in your face.

Mostly he's letting you take the lead, so _technically_ you don't _need_ to get your cock scratched up by his as much as you're doing. Which, okay, you're kind of enjoying the pain. It's _familiar_. Of course it is, he's the guy who punches you in the nose every day. And _you're_ the guy who agreed to a practise fight with him so this is all on you.

Nuzzling at the top of his head, you sigh into him, your own pleasure building. He even _smells_ strong and manly, which you never thought you'd be _into_ but here he is, your nemesis, proving you wrong yet again. Not that you _mind_ when it's _him_. "You're _trapped!_ ," you murmur into his _ridiculously_ soft fedora, the corner of your mouth curling up in a grin. "By your own cute little _cock_ , which feels _great_ by the way, it suits you." _Everything_ suits him. You'd be more upset but _you're_ the one who gets to touch him like this, nobody else, just you. "And _you_ can't thwart me."

He surges up with a growl, sinking his teeth into your neck. Not _that_ hard, not enough to draw blood or anything, just enough that you can _feel_ it. You're going to have a _mark_ there tomorrow, you're sure of it.

"Okay, turns out you _can_ thwart me," you say with a whimper because _apparently_ you're _into_ this _too_ , your cock throbbing in time with his tongue. "But I can still..." Gasping for air, you move your hand faster, slick with both your precum. "You like that? Yeah, you _do_ , you're _loving_ this."

Of course he does, you can tell by the way he ruts against you, shuddering under your palm like he's about to-

_Oh_.

Cum spills over your fingers and you can't tell if it's yours or his or _both_ so you keep going, determined to make _him_ feel as good as you do right now. Holding him to your chest, you gasp for breath, the sound of his panting loud in your ear, and you can't help yourself. "Curse you, Perry the Platypus." The words slip out without thinking, because that's what you _say_ when he thwarts you, you _curse_ him, and this is just another _thwarting_ , right?

You're emphatically _not_ going to think about the fact you just had _sex_ with your _nemesis_. Or about how this is _definitely_ going to lead to more of those dreams you're never telling him about, the ones where you wake up in desperate need of a cold shower.

"Are you done?" you ask when he stops shaking so much, running a hand down his back. It's not that you want this to be _over_ , but right now he's nothing like the Perry the Platypus you're used to and you don't know how to _deal_ with that and you just want your _nemesis_ back. "Because if you _are_ ," you continue, mouth on autopilot, "then..." Then he might _leave_. For _realsies_ , where he never comes back, not even to thwart you one last time. "Can I get you something? Tea?"

Face still buried in your chest, he nods, with a soft noise that makes your heart melt. He really _is_ adorable, like you keep telling him.

Tucking yourself back into your pants, you wipe your hand off on your shirt since it's dirty _anyway_ , cradling him close. "Can we do this again sometime?" you ask before you can think it through, and he pulls back so you _see_ him rolling his eyes. "Is that a yes? I'll put that down as a maybe. Come on, let's get you cleaned up, you're _filthy_. I can't have my _nemesis_ looking _scruffy_ when he leaves." Even if he's still unfairly _attractive_ like this.

He slumps back into you, all _trusting_ and _vulnerable_ , and you hold your breath. This isn't a _thwarting_ any more. You're _used_ to thwartings, after fighting _him_ for so long. You're _not_ used to this.

But maybe, if he wants to do this again, you could try.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from [Bad Romance](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WNYIA1N4NU) by Lady Gaga.
> 
> The ending was originally gonna be a lot longer but it was _dragging_ on so I cut like 450+ words and tried again. Which is a fairly hefty chunk, for a fic this size. I think it was the right choice though.
> 
> Perryshmirtz server in series description as always.


End file.
